Recently I’ve regained certain order in daily schedule. Sleep before 1:00 and get up at 8:00.
Yet this morning I spent almost three hours on email replies alone. Most of them are business in character. After taking care of them, I was exhausted. Hardly believe so much time spent on trivialities. How can I squeeze more time for reading and writing, for doing something more productive? I really don’t want to waste my rarely gained order of daily life. It will be pointless to get up so early only to write emails. Got to find a way out of this. I need to read, to concentrate, and to write as possible as I can.
Monday, May 31, 2004
Saturday, May 29, 2004
Host
Coming to school to host two seminars in a conference that provides a platform for graduate students to read their papers.
Saturday. A fine day. And I’m here to work instead of staying home to enjoy holidays with my family.
Well, that’s part of life. In fact, after I saw my colleague’s face the other day, a face that has been furrowed with lines of tiredness, I simply could not answer the call for my assistance to host one more seminar than initially scheduled.
Yet I’m still happy to be here. Honestly, students to me are always more precious than teachers or already established scholars. Remembering my student days embedded in anxiety for the future and disorientation concerning research, I would be happy to contribute a little of my time to encouraging them.
But just don’t make me do more than I can offer. Thank god conference of this type happens only once in a while. I myself definitely need some rest and more time to handle my own business.
Saturday. A fine day. And I’m here to work instead of staying home to enjoy holidays with my family.
Well, that’s part of life. In fact, after I saw my colleague’s face the other day, a face that has been furrowed with lines of tiredness, I simply could not answer the call for my assistance to host one more seminar than initially scheduled.
Yet I’m still happy to be here. Honestly, students to me are always more precious than teachers or already established scholars. Remembering my student days embedded in anxiety for the future and disorientation concerning research, I would be happy to contribute a little of my time to encouraging them.
But just don’t make me do more than I can offer. Thank god conference of this type happens only once in a while. I myself definitely need some rest and more time to handle my own business.
Friday, May 28, 2004
Tidy Room Disrupted
The other day I wrote about going to start tidying my room. Yet the procedure was called off for some reason I can't remember now. Likely certain familial concerns in need of being taken care of.
OK, now I got to start it all over again. Hopefully by this Sunday I can finish the job imposed on me by myself.
OK, now I got to start it all over again. Hopefully by this Sunday I can finish the job imposed on me by myself.
Thursday, May 27, 2004
Pick Up Reading
For a long time, I seem to be living in perpetual vertigo. Whenever I started, if I dare, to reflect upon what I have done for a whole day, I felt sorry for myself as the result, more of ten than not, turns zip, nil, zero. I desperately want to pick up my reading habit like in old days when I would force myself to read books of whatever type for at least three hours.
I would like to start as soon as possible to read on a regular basis. Like one hour for theory (including philosophical or theoretical writings) which will be good for my own research and thinking, one hour for literature (for both study and pleasure), and another hour for science, my all-time favorite.
One reason for my lack of time spent on reading is I am required to write too much. Proposals, documents, business reports, etc.. Right now at my hand is a translation project. I also want to do some creative writings if time allows. At the same time I have to produce enough academic papers to secure my teaching position. Well, that’s hell a lot of writings to do.
Anyway, I got to push myself a bit harder. To initiate a habit is never easy. Pick up an old one may be equally never be easy-going. Yet what got to be done has to be done. I just have to start doing it before any regret arises on my part.
I would like to start as soon as possible to read on a regular basis. Like one hour for theory (including philosophical or theoretical writings) which will be good for my own research and thinking, one hour for literature (for both study and pleasure), and another hour for science, my all-time favorite.
One reason for my lack of time spent on reading is I am required to write too much. Proposals, documents, business reports, etc.. Right now at my hand is a translation project. I also want to do some creative writings if time allows. At the same time I have to produce enough academic papers to secure my teaching position. Well, that’s hell a lot of writings to do.
Anyway, I got to push myself a bit harder. To initiate a habit is never easy. Pick up an old one may be equally never be easy-going. Yet what got to be done has to be done. I just have to start doing it before any regret arises on my part.
Wednesday, May 26, 2004
Wrath Dispelled
People sometimes may need only to get a bit closer to each other for the wrath caused by daily trivialities to disappear.
My wrath caused by getting along with S did so shortly after.
Today when I stepped outside kitchen, S stood there to block my way. We got so close to each other that any visual evasion became impossible.
S looked into my eyes as I did hers. On the next second, S suddenly grabbed my balls, squeezing them tenderly though not without certain strength to express S’s ambivalent feelings about my obviously not-so-friendly attitude to S in the past few hours.
I laughed. S smiled. Wrath disappeared. The day grew brighter.
A bliss. Yes.
My wrath caused by getting along with S did so shortly after.
Today when I stepped outside kitchen, S stood there to block my way. We got so close to each other that any visual evasion became impossible.
S looked into my eyes as I did hers. On the next second, S suddenly grabbed my balls, squeezing them tenderly though not without certain strength to express S’s ambivalent feelings about my obviously not-so-friendly attitude to S in the past few hours.
I laughed. S smiled. Wrath disappeared. The day grew brighter.
A bliss. Yes.
Tuesday, May 25, 2004
Wrath
Having some problems with Sky. Wrath inside. Burning me inside out.
Feeling not healthy. The fire of wrath, as it’s perfectly clear to my mind, will burn out oneself with no remainders left. What will be left behind is debris only. Do nobody no good.
Yet don’t know how to recover from it or how to rebuild the relation with Sky.
Life, at a moment like this, always looks like a dark corridor without exit, without light, without any of my knowledge that could come to my aids for another turn-making.
Only hope time can heal all.
Feeling not healthy. The fire of wrath, as it’s perfectly clear to my mind, will burn out oneself with no remainders left. What will be left behind is debris only. Do nobody no good.
Yet don’t know how to recover from it or how to rebuild the relation with Sky.
Life, at a moment like this, always looks like a dark corridor without exit, without light, without any of my knowledge that could come to my aids for another turn-making.
Only hope time can heal all.
Monday, May 24, 2004
Tiger's Body
Just a few minutes ago, I went to school to get Tiger back home due to his unknown caused allergy that made rashes on his skin. He also suffered from certain difficulties in breathing.
I am quite concerned with his physical condition. Though this is an unexpected interruption of my work, I did not feel any resentment. He is my precious child, and I just cannot tolerate watching him suffer from the attack without doing anything.
I am considering taking him to another doc for diagnosis. I know this fight with his allergy might never end in short time, yet I’m prepared to assist him in the fight as best as I can. I’m even willing to die for it.
May God lay a helping hand on him.
I am quite concerned with his physical condition. Though this is an unexpected interruption of my work, I did not feel any resentment. He is my precious child, and I just cannot tolerate watching him suffer from the attack without doing anything.
I am considering taking him to another doc for diagnosis. I know this fight with his allergy might never end in short time, yet I’m prepared to assist him in the fight as best as I can. I’m even willing to die for it.
May God lay a helping hand on him.
Tidy Room
Don't remember how many times I've attempted to tidy my study and never once has the tidy condition remained for long.
Today I am gonna to have another try and hope this time it can last longer.
One good thing about weblog is that I can write down my attempt here with its time stamp, then I would check it out later to see how long the interval is between my attempt this time and the next.
Feel a bit pressure though.
Today I am gonna to have another try and hope this time it can last longer.
One good thing about weblog is that I can write down my attempt here with its time stamp, then I would check it out later to see how long the interval is between my attempt this time and the next.
Feel a bit pressure though.
Sunday, May 23, 2004
The Flame of the Blue
Finish reading the novel The Blue Flame (青の炎) by the Japanese writer Yusuke Kishi (貴志祐介). This is probably one of his best. Though generally categorized as an author of thrillers, Mr. Kishi in this novel successfully leads his readers into a juvenile world that is constantly disturbed by an anger with adults, a nebulous sense of justice, and an unbalanced motivation of rush actions. The "blue" in the book title refers both to a heated fire burning with sufficient amount of oxygen and to the wrath of the young that finally triggers the protagonist's action to set up a scheme for a "complete crime" (a flawless crime that will forever remains silent).
The protagonist, to be sure, is not a cold-blood killer. He simply wants to protect his family from the intrusion of his stepfather that has breached, bit by bit, the otherwise happiness of his family life. After his careful design for terminating the man's life and his successful execution of the plan, the young boy, however, is besieged by regret and shame for his killing a person alive before his eyes. Yet he has to continue making another crime plan to cover his tracks that have been followed by one of his friends whose death ensues shortly after. In the end, the young boy chooses to kill himself to protect his family from the cruel inquisition that would have come from media, police, and the whole society if he were arrested and convicted of the crimes he has committed.
The plot is captivating. The protagonist is a round character worth the readers' sympathy and criticism at the same time. His world swinging between determination and hesitation, between strong will and weak heart, between clarity and confusion in thinking, would have no difficulty finding an echo in today's juveniles. A sad story indeed. Yet the whole description of the process from his plan-making to his plan-execution is breath-taking. As a larger social context is strongly suggested therein, the novel gains a depth rarely found in the author's previous novels.
Some reviewers think of this novel as a Japanese version of Dostoevsky's Crime and Punishment. I can't agree more.
The protagonist, to be sure, is not a cold-blood killer. He simply wants to protect his family from the intrusion of his stepfather that has breached, bit by bit, the otherwise happiness of his family life. After his careful design for terminating the man's life and his successful execution of the plan, the young boy, however, is besieged by regret and shame for his killing a person alive before his eyes. Yet he has to continue making another crime plan to cover his tracks that have been followed by one of his friends whose death ensues shortly after. In the end, the young boy chooses to kill himself to protect his family from the cruel inquisition that would have come from media, police, and the whole society if he were arrested and convicted of the crimes he has committed.
The plot is captivating. The protagonist is a round character worth the readers' sympathy and criticism at the same time. His world swinging between determination and hesitation, between strong will and weak heart, between clarity and confusion in thinking, would have no difficulty finding an echo in today's juveniles. A sad story indeed. Yet the whole description of the process from his plan-making to his plan-execution is breath-taking. As a larger social context is strongly suggested therein, the novel gains a depth rarely found in the author's previous novels.
Some reviewers think of this novel as a Japanese version of Dostoevsky's Crime and Punishment. I can't agree more.
Saturday, May 22, 2004
DVD Backup
Spent some time understanding how to backup DVD movies. Interesting sort of knowledge. Made me excited for quite a while. First, I didn't know why the images would sometimes be broken after I used DVD Decrypter to rip the data and burnt them onto the disk via Clone DVD2. I thought that it might be caused by the flawed original disk. Then I came to understand that the basic technology behind Clone DVD2 is to squeeze the data larger than 4.7 GB into that storage limit, thus causing the loss of image quality and even operability. Therefore, I turn to DVDFab for a safer splitting of data larger than 4.7 GB into 2 disks, thus preserving the original image quality without any loss.
Now the triad of my DVD backup comprises DVD Decrypter, DVDFab, and ImgTool Classic. The first tool is to rip the data to HD. If the read ISO file size is smaller than 4.7 GB, then it will be burnt to a blank disk with the writing ISO function of the same tool. If otherwise, the data will be converted to files in HD. Then DVDFab will be called up to see if unnecessary files could be omitted for one disk storage. If not, DVDFab will split the data into two disks. The final step is to use ImgTool Classic to turn ripped files into ISO image files and to burn them onto disks in turn.
Technology sometimes does save troubles for people provided people would like to learn more of the mechanism working behind. Though I have to admit the whole process of this DVD backup sounds no less troublesome for some ears, I enjoyed much the whole learning experience. I started to know more of the DVD basic structure. Also, by turning from commercial packages of one-click solution, I am quite happy for using all my chosen tools for free.
Now the triad of my DVD backup comprises DVD Decrypter, DVDFab, and ImgTool Classic. The first tool is to rip the data to HD. If the read ISO file size is smaller than 4.7 GB, then it will be burnt to a blank disk with the writing ISO function of the same tool. If otherwise, the data will be converted to files in HD. Then DVDFab will be called up to see if unnecessary files could be omitted for one disk storage. If not, DVDFab will split the data into two disks. The final step is to use ImgTool Classic to turn ripped files into ISO image files and to burn them onto disks in turn.
Technology sometimes does save troubles for people provided people would like to learn more of the mechanism working behind. Though I have to admit the whole process of this DVD backup sounds no less troublesome for some ears, I enjoyed much the whole learning experience. I started to know more of the DVD basic structure. Also, by turning from commercial packages of one-click solution, I am quite happy for using all my chosen tools for free.
Friday, May 21, 2004
Translation
Should pick up again the work of translating Neuromancer. Need to squeeze time out of my already tight schedule. Yet what has to be done should be done. The test never disappears and is now coming. Have to face it, with better preparation and more courage. Got to re-schedule my time. May god give me strength and intelligence to finish the project.
Thursday, May 20, 2004
Wetware
Dawn.
Woke up from the middle of a dream. Couldn’t remember what it’s all about.
The rain starting at unknown hour was drumming. Drenching pines outside the window. To the skin.
Didn’t know why waking up at this moment, less than two hours of sleep.
Suddenly occurred to my mind the plot and characters of a movie watched long time ago. Neither a famous nor a popular one. Just couldn’t remember how it ends.
At last came to my mind I never watched it to its end in the first place.
Why?
Floating up and down in the rain my dampened head kept thinking of the question…
Woke up from the middle of a dream. Couldn’t remember what it’s all about.
The rain starting at unknown hour was drumming. Drenching pines outside the window. To the skin.
Didn’t know why waking up at this moment, less than two hours of sleep.
Suddenly occurred to my mind the plot and characters of a movie watched long time ago. Neither a famous nor a popular one. Just couldn’t remember how it ends.
At last came to my mind I never watched it to its end in the first place.
Why?
Floating up and down in the rain my dampened head kept thinking of the question…
Evasion
Heard from R about her pains and depression, mental ones for most of them, incurred by what she has been through in the past few weeks.
It would be ironic that at the end of my life I would realize that all I have done previously is a simple proof of my existing only to the detriment of others. Because I have done nothing. Because I have not done anything to make myself worthy.
Yes, to be myself is easy. To be that which is not or even opposing to myself is hard.
Am I evasive and elusive at one and the same time?
The rapport between two, to me, is a mystery forever.
It would be ironic that at the end of my life I would realize that all I have done previously is a simple proof of my existing only to the detriment of others. Because I have done nothing. Because I have not done anything to make myself worthy.
Yes, to be myself is easy. To be that which is not or even opposing to myself is hard.
Am I evasive and elusive at one and the same time?
The rapport between two, to me, is a mystery forever.
Wednesday, May 19, 2004
Conversion
Spent the whole day converting previous logs on MT to WP. Happy to find the platform of the latter that is built on PHP and MySQL. (May never figure out why MT would announce the new licensing plan.)
The open source community always amazes me by its responsive time and its collaborative problem solving and bug tracking. Now I need not backup two databases as the MT stores its data in the non-MySQL one. This is also the first time I dared enough trying my hands on using CVS. Amazement never stops when I started to wire myself to it. Wonders everywhere. Dazzling.
Spent in fact more time to rebuild the layout to make it appealing to my own eyes. As the sole reader and writer of the log, I still don't want to compromise myself on this. One will never be too lazy to make one's home cozy enough to rest both the body and the mind. To me, this space is where I am and will keep dwelling my signs and thoughts for days to come.
Yes, for the countless (or numbered) days to come.
The open source community always amazes me by its responsive time and its collaborative problem solving and bug tracking. Now I need not backup two databases as the MT stores its data in the non-MySQL one. This is also the first time I dared enough trying my hands on using CVS. Amazement never stops when I started to wire myself to it. Wonders everywhere. Dazzling.
Spent in fact more time to rebuild the layout to make it appealing to my own eyes. As the sole reader and writer of the log, I still don't want to compromise myself on this. One will never be too lazy to make one's home cozy enough to rest both the body and the mind. To me, this space is where I am and will keep dwelling my signs and thoughts for days to come.
Yes, for the countless (or numbered) days to come.
Tuesday, May 18, 2004
Be True
Finishing revising a paper submitted to a journal. Spent most of the time writing a rejoinder to reviewers’ comments.
Felt pretty exhaustive and meaningless doing this. Always this norm of what a paper should look like to become of itself relevant to contemporary issues. Why is that? Is that so important? Are all that taking a different approach from fashionable ones not worth reading and their questions and thoughts, worthless and pointless?
People easily forgot what it means by questioning which, to me, is so valuable a gesture that, if losing it, one is prone to failing an authentic existence. Calls me traditional and out-of-dated. Yes, I still believe in that authenticity, one that may not be a truth to all, yet is one to myself.
I want to be true to myself. At least in this respect.
Felt pretty exhaustive and meaningless doing this. Always this norm of what a paper should look like to become of itself relevant to contemporary issues. Why is that? Is that so important? Are all that taking a different approach from fashionable ones not worth reading and their questions and thoughts, worthless and pointless?
People easily forgot what it means by questioning which, to me, is so valuable a gesture that, if losing it, one is prone to failing an authentic existence. Calls me traditional and out-of-dated. Yes, I still believe in that authenticity, one that may not be a truth to all, yet is one to myself.
I want to be true to myself. At least in this respect.
Monday, May 17, 2004
Her Expressions
S takes a three-month vacation from her work that she has been dedicated herself to for almost over a decade. She takes this interval as a chance to join the course of Japanese learning she has been hoped for over a long time. Now the course has reached its halfway.
For the past one and half month, I’ve watched her study hard and take efforts to strike a balance between her school life, family life, and occasional office work. It has never been easy given that in the past few weeks our whole family was under brutal flu attacks. I have tried my best to assist her to lessen her load both physical and spiritual. Yet perhaps out of exhaustion, we haven’t talked to each other intimately as long as her course lasted.
Yet it’s been only so up to tonight.
Tonight she suddenly dropped by in my study and we enjoyed a happy moment of conversation. Most of the time I was just listening. She happily talked about her classmates, their shared experience both of suffering from hard study and overloaded homeworks, and of taking pleasure in some dumb things they have been done and through.
I watched her facial expressions, so various and glamorous, and felt her happiness and excitement in being a student again. There’s something on her face that will make the moment unforgettable.
Now I start believing that whatever hardship will be over someday as long as people keep faith in love of each other. Sincerely wish her a happier time for the final half part of her course and wish her a life whose felicity will never end.
For the past one and half month, I’ve watched her study hard and take efforts to strike a balance between her school life, family life, and occasional office work. It has never been easy given that in the past few weeks our whole family was under brutal flu attacks. I have tried my best to assist her to lessen her load both physical and spiritual. Yet perhaps out of exhaustion, we haven’t talked to each other intimately as long as her course lasted.
Yet it’s been only so up to tonight.
Tonight she suddenly dropped by in my study and we enjoyed a happy moment of conversation. Most of the time I was just listening. She happily talked about her classmates, their shared experience both of suffering from hard study and overloaded homeworks, and of taking pleasure in some dumb things they have been done and through.
I watched her facial expressions, so various and glamorous, and felt her happiness and excitement in being a student again. There’s something on her face that will make the moment unforgettable.
Now I start believing that whatever hardship will be over someday as long as people keep faith in love of each other. Sincerely wish her a happier time for the final half part of her course and wish her a life whose felicity will never end.
First Win
Since the beginning of 2004, I’ve never won a GO play over Tiger. However hard I studied GO and tried in the play, I just could not beat Tiger once.
Now after almost half a year, tonight I had my first win over him. In fact, it is not because of any advancement of my playing skills, but rather because of his carelessness in detecting the impending danger of one block of his pieces. Then I got the first-hand advantage to take over the block.
Tiger obviously felt not happy about it. Yet he now can better cope with the defeat, which I would see as an improvement of his mentality in facing the unsatisfactory result of a play. It is good for him to become stronger in mind and heart.
I cannot but feel that GO play can indeed teach people many things one of which is to deal with the loss in life. Making a mistake will be inevitable in one’s whole life, as I told Tiger. Yet the most important is to learn from it to keep oneself from making the same again.
While I enjoy my first win, I was glad at once to see Tiger learn from each of his plays.
Grow stronger, my dearest Tiger. I’ll be here with you as long as possible enjoying your unceasing growth each and every day.
Now after almost half a year, tonight I had my first win over him. In fact, it is not because of any advancement of my playing skills, but rather because of his carelessness in detecting the impending danger of one block of his pieces. Then I got the first-hand advantage to take over the block.
Tiger obviously felt not happy about it. Yet he now can better cope with the defeat, which I would see as an improvement of his mentality in facing the unsatisfactory result of a play. It is good for him to become stronger in mind and heart.
I cannot but feel that GO play can indeed teach people many things one of which is to deal with the loss in life. Making a mistake will be inevitable in one’s whole life, as I told Tiger. Yet the most important is to learn from it to keep oneself from making the same again.
While I enjoy my first win, I was glad at once to see Tiger learn from each of his plays.
Grow stronger, my dearest Tiger. I’ll be here with you as long as possible enjoying your unceasing growth each and every day.
Sunday, May 16, 2004
Tiger Recovered
Because of his being sick, Tiger could not participate in the GO contest held today. It’s national in scale. Honestly, i felt a bit disappointed that he could not join it, as his current playing skills, I’m pretty sure, would have earned him a good trophy.
Also because of his not taking part in the game, Tiger had a full rest the whole day and finally turned much better in the evening. That’s right, nothing should be deemed more important than his health.
I am looking forward to his next contest. I know it will be his show then.
Also because of his not taking part in the game, Tiger had a full rest the whole day and finally turned much better in the evening. That’s right, nothing should be deemed more important than his health.
I am looking forward to his next contest. I know it will be his show then.
Saturday, May 15, 2004
Tiger's Ill
Tigher’s ill again. Only a few days from his recovery from last flu attack. Now he’s been diagnosed to have some heart defects. Though they are minor ones, we’re still quite worried about his health. In addition to his sometimes weak heart to provide enough oxygen, thus causing him breathing difficulties, he also suffers from allergy, though further examinations are in need to find the operant causing his allergy.
I have suffered from the same a few years back. Somehow my acquired allergy becomes an inborn one in him. For that, I start hating myself.
Watching him breath so hard only to get enough oxygen, which is so easy, trivial, and even unnoticeable an act for others, I feel my heart aching with enormous pain.
May God, if there’s really one above, bless him to be free from such unfair hardships imposed on him by my broken genes. I am willing to exchange a few years of my own life for his health and happiness, for his free breathing, and for his stronger heart.
I’ll protect Tiger even at the cost of my own life. God, please hear my crying and respond. Please.
I have suffered from the same a few years back. Somehow my acquired allergy becomes an inborn one in him. For that, I start hating myself.
Watching him breath so hard only to get enough oxygen, which is so easy, trivial, and even unnoticeable an act for others, I feel my heart aching with enormous pain.
May God, if there’s really one above, bless him to be free from such unfair hardships imposed on him by my broken genes. I am willing to exchange a few years of my own life for his health and happiness, for his free breathing, and for his stronger heart.
I’ll protect Tiger even at the cost of my own life. God, please hear my crying and respond. Please.
Friday, May 14, 2004
Thursday, May 13, 2004
Reconnect
Reconnect H.
Quite pointeless, though. Don’t know why I feel this way. Missing H? Partly. Then what about the other parts? Memories? Perhaps.
Memories hurt always. Hard to believe that something amorphous, intangible, and long gone can still press on one’s heart so much.
A connection that is always prone to another lost of link, always remains undecidable for the next attempt, and is always haunted by a mutual fear for the unknown…
How can one not feel pointless for this reconnection?
Quite pointeless, though. Don’t know why I feel this way. Missing H? Partly. Then what about the other parts? Memories? Perhaps.
Memories hurt always. Hard to believe that something amorphous, intangible, and long gone can still press on one’s heart so much.
A connection that is always prone to another lost of link, always remains undecidable for the next attempt, and is always haunted by a mutual fear for the unknown…
How can one not feel pointless for this reconnection?
Wednesday, May 12, 2004
GO
Growing a habit to play GO with my son almost everyday. He progresses quickly day by day. I train myself hard to keep up with his level, doing homework practices with him, reading books, thinking constantly on the demanding questions of better moves. Yet I know clearly by my heart that someday he will be at the place where I may never be. Though not without certain depression (as the GO is basically a win-defeat game), I feel happy at the same time for his skill advancement.
As a man almost at his middle age, I am now aware of the gap between the middle-aged and the young. My son’s brain power, I can feel this vividly, has a large space for improvement, while mine is reaching the stage of stasis, is in a state of stagnation. Probably this is the fate all middle-aged have to accept, yet at once the hope to enjoy when watching the young in their daily growth.
I like the time I and my son spend together on studying different moves on the chess board. It is a bliss that we can find a way of communication that is sophisticated and intelligent to certain extent. Only hope the time of this happiness will continue right up to my old age. And hope my son will be happy and healthy all the time.
As a man almost at his middle age, I am now aware of the gap between the middle-aged and the young. My son’s brain power, I can feel this vividly, has a large space for improvement, while mine is reaching the stage of stasis, is in a state of stagnation. Probably this is the fate all middle-aged have to accept, yet at once the hope to enjoy when watching the young in their daily growth.
I like the time I and my son spend together on studying different moves on the chess board. It is a bliss that we can find a way of communication that is sophisticated and intelligent to certain extent. Only hope the time of this happiness will continue right up to my old age. And hope my son will be happy and healthy all the time.
Tuesday, May 11, 2004
Aging
Today I went to the hospital to escort my father-in-law back home. He has been inflicted by some viruses that caused him grave difficulties in urination for about three weeks. After continuous attacks of high fever, he was finally hospitalized to lessen physical pains. He is 76 years old.
My own father has also got flu last week. Out of his stubbornness in refusing to visit local clinics as well as his cautiousness in avoiding wrong dosage of drugs by local physicians, which may conflict with the drugs he regularly intakes for other chronic illness, his initial flu grew into pneumonia. He too suffered from high fever for several days. He is almost the same age as my father-in-law.
Looking at their wretched figures with great sympathy, I remembered one of my friends told me that one at our age has entered the stage of life whose main occupation can be best captured by the simple phrase “the middle age of joys and miseries” (哀樂中年). My younger brother also told me the main concern of life at our age is no more than “to retain health and to honor the dead” (養生送死).
Who can deny the truth in their words?
My own father has also got flu last week. Out of his stubbornness in refusing to visit local clinics as well as his cautiousness in avoiding wrong dosage of drugs by local physicians, which may conflict with the drugs he regularly intakes for other chronic illness, his initial flu grew into pneumonia. He too suffered from high fever for several days. He is almost the same age as my father-in-law.
Looking at their wretched figures with great sympathy, I remembered one of my friends told me that one at our age has entered the stage of life whose main occupation can be best captured by the simple phrase “the middle age of joys and miseries” (哀樂中年). My younger brother also told me the main concern of life at our age is no more than “to retain health and to honor the dead” (養生送死).
Who can deny the truth in their words?
Monday, May 10, 2004
Worn Out
Worn out by drafting a conference agenda assigned to me by the department faculty. It’s quite unbelievable when I was first informed that I got to do the job since my first notes sent to the committee had earned unanimous approval.
Somehow this looks a bit ridiculous to me. First, we had a meeting discussing on the agenda. Then we decided that each would write personal notes to pool together later for further discussions to finalize details. As the coming conference will be national in scale, I thought that I should think hard enough to protect and preserve the reputation of our department. However, it seems that I was the only one who really thought so and worked hard to take the notes seriously. Then the consequence is obvious enough. The whole load of agenda drafting fell on my shoulder. I had to complete the draft in both Chinese and English.
I started working on it from last night till early morning today. Almost 8 hours to finish it. Again, don’t know if I’m too dumb or what. Though not without certain discontent, I still could not let it go in a way not to my satisfaction. I simply could not draft a lousy copy to hand it out.
Writing sometimes looks like a curse. You cannot ignore it and turn away your face from it so easily, no matter whether the writing is an imposed assignment or a voluntary work. Once you start writing, the work done will bear a mark of your own being (which has nothing to do with a name alone). You just cannot see your existence being wasted like that. So you will be cursed to put all your life into it, to re-live yourself in your own writing.
It’s destiny.
Somehow this looks a bit ridiculous to me. First, we had a meeting discussing on the agenda. Then we decided that each would write personal notes to pool together later for further discussions to finalize details. As the coming conference will be national in scale, I thought that I should think hard enough to protect and preserve the reputation of our department. However, it seems that I was the only one who really thought so and worked hard to take the notes seriously. Then the consequence is obvious enough. The whole load of agenda drafting fell on my shoulder. I had to complete the draft in both Chinese and English.
I started working on it from last night till early morning today. Almost 8 hours to finish it. Again, don’t know if I’m too dumb or what. Though not without certain discontent, I still could not let it go in a way not to my satisfaction. I simply could not draft a lousy copy to hand it out.
Writing sometimes looks like a curse. You cannot ignore it and turn away your face from it so easily, no matter whether the writing is an imposed assignment or a voluntary work. Once you start writing, the work done will bear a mark of your own being (which has nothing to do with a name alone). You just cannot see your existence being wasted like that. So you will be cursed to put all your life into it, to re-live yourself in your own writing.
It’s destiny.
Recommence
After almost five months’ interval, I restart my weblog by transferring previous logs from Blogger to MT. I spent almost 48 hours to install the MT. Don’t know if I’m too dumb to shorten the time spent on making the platform work. Whatever. The system finally started working to my satisfaction.
Now I begin to see my work, not just my job, is tied to written signs, to writing itself. That is likely part of my calling which I out of plain laziness always tries to resist for a long time.
Simply keep writing to feel my being existent, to fight back time’s erosion of my always faulty memories.
I’ll see how long this time my self-logging will keep going.
Now I begin to see my work, not just my job, is tied to written signs, to writing itself. That is likely part of my calling which I out of plain laziness always tries to resist for a long time.
Simply keep writing to feel my being existent, to fight back time’s erosion of my always faulty memories.
I’ll see how long this time my self-logging will keep going.
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